FX!

The proliferation of relatively cheap, industry-standard special effects software available at a consumer level has led to the blossoming of low budget epics. The days of needing a $100 million+ budget to adequately render your surreal dreamworld or far-off, imaginary wonderland are gone. In their stead is a swarm of films produced for relatively low budgets due to the ease of access to incredibly powerful effects software.

This has been a godsend for filmmakers with large-scale creative visions but without the name recognition and industry clout to get studio executives to sign a check for a nine digit budget. Films like District 9, Predators,  and Gareth Edwards' upcoming thriller, Monsters are all making waves in Hollywood because of the comparatively low cost-to-output ratios.

Each of the aforementioned could pass for enormously budgeted Hollywood cash-cows, but none had a budget over $50 million; Predators being made for $40 million, and District 9 made for $30 million. Predators was written and produced by Robert Rodriguez, long a champion of home-brewed filmmaking; a fact attested to by his inclusion of "10-minute Film School" DVD extras.

Edwards' film, which concerns two people's journey through an alien-infested Mexico (that's space aliens, if the jackass senator from Arizona had questions) was made for under $20,000, a sum utterly unheard of in modern Hollywood's world of science fiction epics. But considering that Edwards' made a historical epic about Atilla the Hun, doing all the effects work by himself in Adobe After Effects, he's probably the one pull a film like Monsters off.

Check out the unbelievable special effects work that Edwards did for Atilla in After Effects.



The scope of Atilla is stunning. The fact that it's effects work could have been produced in somebody's bedroom is unreal. The idea that the software that made it is in the hands of hundreds of brilliantly imaginative filmmakers is perhaps one of the most exciting things happening in film today.

Short films are perhaps the best showcase for this new wave of talented effects artists and directors with shorts like The Raven and the incredible Half-Life 2 "fan film" (does that term even have any meaning anymore?) Escape from City 17, both of which are embedded below.

The Raven:


Escape from City 17:



This low-cost, high-scale revolution has paved the way for cool films like The Warrior's Way that, in years past, would have (at best) suffered greatly from low budgets or (more likely) simply would never be made.


The Warrior's Way is a great example because, as you can see in the trailer, it's far from flawless; you can pick out the effects shots instantly, as there is a weird artificiality about them. But that slightly processed look does not get in the way of the world the effects are trying to create. If anything, it magnifies the surrealism that the film is trying to impart, or at the very least gives it a lovable B-movie aesthetic.

Also helping the B-movie aesthetic? Geoffrey Rush exasperatedly exclaiming, "Ninjas!"

One thing effects software has not figured out how to improve is bad writing. But they're working on it.

So does this new wave of low-budget filmmaking signal the end of massively budgeted epics like The Lord of the Rings trilogy or Avatar? Hell no. Stupid question. I seem to remember Avatar doing pretty well on the whole "return on investment" thing.

The Walking Dead Title Sequence (Or so it should be.)

THE WALKING DEAD "Opening Titles" from Daniel Kanemoto on Vimeo.

This absolutely fantastic title sequence for the upcoming AMC adaptation of Robert Kirkman's brilliant zombie apocalypse comic series "The Walking Dead" is not what will actually precede the show. This is a fan-made title sequence, and I'll be damned if AMC can top this.

Besides making me want to cut off my fingers because of their inability to manipulate After Effects this well, this sequence perfectly captures the essence of the comics, from the use of Charlie Adlard and Tony Moore's artwork, to the straight-from-True Blood music, Eel's "Fresh Blood."(it's actually from True Blood! - I had said that as a joke)

Anyway. Watch, enjoy, lament. Maybe AMC will snag Daniel Kanemoto up for some title work. They certainly should, because if they don't, someone else will.

MOOOOOOOOOOOOON

I finally got around to watching Duncan Jones' Moon today, and I've got to say that I was supremely disappointed. Well, maybe not supremely, but still. Marginally disappointed at the very least.

c/o typophile

Jones, in his first feature directorial role, also developed the story; the premise of which is intriguing enough, and it only gets more so as the story progresses. But the twists and turns of the plot itself never quite live up to the promise inherent to it.

Sam Bell (a fantastic Sam Rockwell) is nearing the end of a three year shift as the sole (or is he?) overseer of a solar energy harvesting facility on the moon. Intelligent readers may have now discerned the origins of the film's title. Naturally, things do not quite go according to plan, even with a pseudo-sentient A.I. managing the station, and Bell's hopes of completing his contract and returning to earth are put in jeopardy.

It's not a theory if it's true!

Earlier today, io9 had, as it frequently does, an interesting story involving sciency things. More specifically, it concerned mysterious chemtrails that appeared in a circular formation over Houston on September 9th and 11th, 2010.

Chemtrails have long been the subject of conspiracy theories, as they really would be an easy way to disseminate dangerous biological agents over a populated area. They look very similar to contrails left by your standard airplane, only significantly more billowy. And ominous.

So apparently, some particularly devious chemtrails covered the skies above Houston on the anniversary of the greatest source of conspiracy theories in decades. So guess what? It's shit-flippin' time.

So, naturally, people started flipping their shit about these mysterious symbols in the sky, and for good reason. That shit be evil-looking.

But NASA has stepped up, and stated that the circular patterns were due to their conducting high-altitude research in the Houston area, sampling the air gathering data on hurricane intensification.

But doesn't that sound exactly like a line you would expect a government agency to feed the public to cover up something villainous?

It's like when a squadron of attack helicopters flew over Portland, and they were all, "Um... training exercises!"

Ef you government. We know you've got Godzilla on retainer.

The Answer?

Apparently, ol' Allen Iverson may be on his way to China, seeing as no NBA teams want anything to do with him. For some reason.

The all-knowing ESPN has the story, of which my favorite part is when Gary Moore, Iverson's personal manager says, "What has Allen Iverson done to not warrant interest in him?"

Gary, I am so glad you asked!

Benefits

One of the many, oft-unsung benefits of being unemployed is that you can be totally prepared for rain delays at the U.S. Open.

Case in point: Right now. The U.S. Open Final was supposed to take place yesterday, on a weekend, to accommodate those who, due to some random cultural significance, have free time. But as it was raining in Flushing Meadows, and as tennis is a "wuss sport" (i.e. cannot be played in rain), the Final was forcibly delayed. Until today.

Today, tons of poor saps have to miss out on the glorious final between Rafael "rockin' them capris" Nadal and Novak "Joke" Djokovic simply because they are gainfully employed.

Nevermind the inability to go out with friends due to your dwindling bank account balance; this is where you strike back. This is your coup.

Just think of the anguish you'll be able to cause when one of your friends calls up later today and is like, "Yo Bromo Sapien. Just got off work, tryna hit a bar?"

And you can be all like, "Sorry dawg. I'm totes beat from watching the epic U.S. Open Final! Did you see it? Oh right.... You didn't." Burnt. Man they'll feel dumb.  (It should be noted that it is absolutely integral that you hang up the phone before they get a chance to ask, "Oh. Is that like a golf thing?")

So to all ye woefully underemployed denizens: Fear not! Just bask in the glory of being able to have extended conversations about the t-shirt Djokovic's dad was wearing. Which, for the record, is something like one of those wolf t-shirts that philistines wear in a gruesome failure of an attempt at irony, only with Novak Djokovic instead of a wolf.

There might also be an eagle on there. I'm not sure.

 Luckily I have all day to try to find out.

Santa?

Um... Just watch this.




So it looks like they definitely went for a darker vision in the reboot of The Santa Clause.


It's really sad to see Tim Allen give up the lead role. He was so... decent. Just kidding, he was actually alright, and the first Santa Clause was actually a decent kids' Christmas movie. It was one of my favorites growing up. Can't say I ever saw the sequels though, because, well, you know:

The Solo Adventures

One of my favorites unexplored elements of the Star Wars backstory was Han Solo's relationship with Jabba the Hut; more specifically, the incident that causes Jabba to hunt Han throughout the original trilogy. It's briefly mentioned in A New Hope, something about "jettisoning cargo at the first sign of an Imperial Ship," and I always thought that would make for a very cool story.

Daniel Smith just told it, with the grace, humor and spirit that the botched attempt at prequels so sorely lacked.

Check it out, in glorious 3-D!


The Solo Adventures from Daniel Smith on Vimeo.

The guy doing Han is incredible, too.

Let's talk about the Commentary for the FIBA World Championships.

Long story short: It's incredible.

None of the shmultzy Marv Albert impersonations that permeate NBA commentary,  just pure, unadultered excitement about the game. Take, for example, this dunk by the one and only Nicolas Batum.



That is not something you would hear in an NBA game. Team-based commentators have been known to deviate from the script on occasion, but for the most part, you've got your Mike Breens and your Kevin Harlans spouting off catch phrases, trying to make the fact that David Stern has them by the balls as unobtrusive as possible. (For the record, I'm actually a huge Kevin Harlan fan)

I would love to hear them lose it like the guy above. Maybe drop a "GOT DAMN!" after something particularly dunktastic. I understand that composure is key to their job performance, but there's something cool about having announcer that is so excited about the game that he can't gather his thoughts into anything terribly cohesive.

Sometimes, "BANG!" just doesn't cut it.

An Open Letter to Brandon Roy

Dear Mr. Roy,

Regarding your choice of rap video cameos and unfortunately awkward facial expressions made therein:

What the hell?

I mean, is this a serious thing? Is this actually happening? Or is this some torrid alternate reality in which professional athletes make terrible, highly public decisions?

Actually, disregard that last part. That was a pretty dumb question.

Needless to say, the more puritanical elements of our society will doubtlessly find fault with your involvement in a rap video which contains the preparation and use of marijuana. However, I find very little fault with this, as athletes listening to and supporting drug-themed rap is not exactly anything new.

Let us not forget that LeBron James appeared in Jay-Z's Death of Autotune video, and that Jay-Z himself has been more than open about his profiteering from the sale of illicit drugs (from which he claims to have derived his business knowledge that allowed him to find success in more legal ventures). He details these facts in pretty much every song he has ever recorded.

That said, I think we can both agree that Cali and Cavalli are basically on the same level as Jay-Z. Not much disparity there. Nope. OH WAIT.

And this is the source of my qualm. Why must you openly damage your own credibility, along with that of your home and adopted cities, by associating yourself (and by proxy the cities which you represent) with such mediocrity?

Assuming you were simply helping out some homies by adding some NBA All Star mojo to their video, why must you make such a profoundly lame cameo? After that wondrous display of mean-mugging, I genuinely feel like I could beat you up. I'm not even kidding. It's time to throw down.

Seriously. How did you make it to be a professional athlete when you're only mean-mugging at a seventh grade level?

Luckily, the City of Portland is so jaded to Blazer-related embarrassments that this barely makes it onto Bonzi Wells Scale of Publicized Tomfoolery. This is only like, two or three Bonzis. However, that fact is still not enough to overcome what may be the biggest knock against you since that one time you... did that one thing.

I guess appearing on the cover of NBA 10 The Inside was pretty weak.

Sincerely,
Anonymous blogger

And lest anyone forget:

Nexagon

Of all the fascinating medical breakthroughs in the past few years, the announcement of Nexagon has got to be one of the cooler ones. It is the kind of thing one might expect in the future. Except that we have it now.

As with most crazy science fiction technology that we develop earlier than expected, the proper response is cautious optimism with minor bone-chilling apprehension.

Nexagon is a gel that can actually decrease the amount of time it takes for a wound to heal. Unlike antibiotic creams like Neosporin, which work to aid the body's natural healing by preventing infection, Nexagon will actually speed the body's healing processes by doing some crazy shit that sounds really science-fictiony.

No word yet on whether it would allow for the successful implantation of retractable adamantium claws.

"The future? Can I get a FUCK YEEEEEEEAAH!"
c/o collider.com

That super science fictiony shit? Well it goes a little something like this: The gel actually alters how cells communicate with each other, (kinda freaky) causing them to halt production of a protein that slows or blocks healing (super freaky). 

The idea of something as easily applicable as a gel being able to alter the function of your skin cells is a little unnerving. Nexagon seems like the kind of thing that we're really going to want to try to keep out of the hands of super villains. 

Imagine tweaking the formula so that instead of ceasing production of a certain protein, the gel causes cells to mutate uncontrollably. Then imagine that gel being sprayed all over a major metropolitan area, preferably from some kind of super-evil, neo-steampunk airship. That's super villain business right there.

Nexagon even sounds like a super villain weapon. I hope it's not already in the possession of any super villains!

Not to worry. It's in the hands of friendly, loving, and altruistic pharmaceutical corporations.

Oh wait.

Shit.

On the other hand....

Bioshock Infinite, or How I Learn to Stop Worrying and Love Pre-Rendered Cut Scenes, then Came to My Senses and Started Hating Them Again.

First of all, watch this:



Repeat if necessary.

Now, as you've undoubtedly put together, this is the debut trailer for Irrational Games' Bioshock Infinite.




And it is quite the trailer at that.


It starts out by turning the whole "dramatically revealing an underwater city with a sweeping shot over a submerged hill" thing that the Bioshock made famous on its head. After doing that, it proceeds to turn several more things on their heads, while also shaking them up and sending them for a loop.

UPDATE: We also have reports that a script may have been flipped at some point during the trailer. We are looking to substantiate this.


The trailer is crazy. That is the point I'm trying to get across here.

Unfortunately, it is only a trailer. Thus begets my qualm. Forewarning: Qualming is about to commence. There will be much qualming in the following  paragraphs.

The pre-rendered trailer (or cutscene) has long been a staple of video games. It harkens back to a time when games did not have the graphical capacity to properly convey the drama or emotion that the gameplay was meant to induce, and developers were forced to turn to either filmed scenes (FMV FTW!!!) or computer-generated scenes to advance a game's story.

FMV, or full motion video, fell out of favor, mostly because it is an expensive and time intensive process (but also because it was officially decreed to be "lame as fuck" in late 1997) and CG cutscenes became the way to go.

Unfortunately, there was such a disparity of visual quality between the gameplay and the cutscenes that the effect of the game pausing to show the player a crisp, CG cutscene was a jarring one. It was for this reason alone that I have never been fond of them.

Luckily, games have advanced so far graphically that they are now capable of rendering (skidoosh) the pre-rendered cutscene (or trailer!) obsolete, as gameplay can now convey the proper dramatic effect that a story requires.

Unfortunately, almost every game developer still uses pre-rendered trailers. (Boo ya, three paragraphs in a row started with adverbs.)

Enter Bioshock. Easily one of my favorite games of all time, Bioshock was a worldview-denting tour of an underwater city overrun by mutants and Ayn Rand aficionados. But its release was preceded by an incredible pre-rendered trailer that contained such awesome things as the player character being impaled by a massive drill, and... oh hell. Just watch it for yourself:

Video Games | BioShock | X06 Trailer

XBox 360 | Playstation 3 | Nintendo Wii

Sweet, right? Exactly. The problem lies in the fact that the actual gameplay of Bioshock was nothing like what was shown in the trailer. I take particular exception to Bioshock's (and now Bioshock Infinite's) trailer, as it depicts the same first person perspective as seen in the game. Just with much cooler stuff happening.

In both trailers above, all sorts of crazy action unfolds; from falling off a sky fortress and climbing for your life to unsuccessfully fighting a dive suit-clad behemoth. In the actual game, you circle strafe and shoot things.

So while the graphical gap between gameplay and trailer may have been significantly lessened, the unfulfilled promises made by the onscreen action in trailers are now that much more apparent.

I am sure that at some point during playing Bioshock Infinite I will cause my character to fall to their death, as I tend to do whenever a game supplies me with suspended platforms, but I doubt very much that I will be able to desperately claw at a strip of canvas, in a futile attempt at preventing me from a very splattery death.

I will circle strafe the shit out of some Ayn Rand fans though.

Surreal Experiences

You know what's cool?

Not being able to think of anything to write about.

It's almost as cool as writing yourself into a corner.

I have experienced both in each of the writing endeavors I am currently undertaking.

That was Entirely Unintentional.

Aaaaand... I'm back. My absence had little to do with shark week. Although that was a part of it. I'm currently on a movie watching TEAR at the moment. This is mostly due to my Inception making me fall in love with movies all over again, but also because The Expendables is coming out, giving me an excuse to watch nothing but terrible action movies for two weeks under the guise of a "countdown."

Here's how it's gone so far:

1. Fist of Legend. Jet Li snaps a dude's leg in half five minutes in. It gets better from there.



2. The Protector. Tony Jaa's follow up to Ong-Bak. Honestly, it was not quite as good as I remember it being. The one-shot fight scene up four floors is still impressive as all hell, but I can't help but feel that Tony Jaa's style is too fanciful.  It's flair for the sake of flair, and lacks the ruthless precision and efficiency exhibited by Jet Li in Fist of Legend.

Still. HE KICKS A GUY OUT OF A HELICOPTER. That can't be overstated. See this movie.



3.  Surrogates. Remember that Bruce Willis sci-fi actioner that came out last summer? Neither does anybody else.

The concept is interesting enough; in the future, everyone lives their lives through robotic avatars, a technology developed by the same guy who invented robots in I, Robot.

Hehe. Creepy. But seriously, holla at James Cromwell. Dude's a boss.

Unfortunately, the movie isn't that great. And by "not that great" I mean pretty bad. There're a lot of cool touches; I really like how artificial all the surrogates' skin looks, and Bruce Willis with hair is always a trip. It's almost worth watching the movie for.

4. District B 13. I had completely forgotten how awesome this movie was. Despite it's RIDICULOUS premise (some hoods in a warded off district of Paris accidentally come across a nuke and decide to use it) it has some incredible action sequences, and is pretty competently made. Pierre Morel is no slouch. (See: Taken)

As it was produced and co-written by Luc Besson, it contains many of his signature touches: a plot designed for maximum action, scenes of underworld life, and, most pressingly, a prepubescent-looking female lead who is actually in her mid twenties.

But before we go into full-on Luc Besson roast mode, let's concentrate on what works here: The action. 

The film was lauded for it's highlighting of parkour, but it actually doesn't contain as much parkour as you might expect from a film lauded for its highlighting of parkour. However, the shootout/fight scene in the casino is mesmerizing. I watched it several times. Now you too! You watch! You watch!

Cool, right? I love the part where he jumps onto the table and shoots the guy behind him. Also, the part where he judo flips the dude off the balcony onto the table. Also, the part where he flies across half the room and kicks the guy. Also, ... well yeah. Watch it.

5. Die Hard 2: Die Harder. One of the more eloquently named films in the past quarter-century, Die Harder (German for "The Harder") gets kind of a bad rap. The first Die Hard is considered one of the greatest action movies ever made, the third one has Sam Jackson in it (AND he's named Zeus. That's a big money combination right there) and the fourth one, well the fourth one is the one where John McClane fights a plane. On foot.

But no one ever talks about the second one. It's got so much great stuff going for it! Dennis Franz as Dennis Franz, that part where the villains have two different types of ammo clips (blue for blanks, red for dead - just thought of that one, no autographs please), and slingblade as the janitor! It's awesome!



So awesome they couldn't show the genuine article on the tele!

6. Hard Boiled. Nothing more need be said. This is the greatest action movie of all time. The action is stunningly elegant while fist-pumpingly visceral. The dialogue and drama are of the finest variety cheese.  I just showed this movie to two friends who had never seen it. They whooped and cheered throughout. Fist pumping happened. See Hard Boiled. Nowzorz.



I want this trailer narration on a loop in my head at all times.

I Won't Be Around for a While

Lady and gentleman, it is Shark Week. Contact with the outside world is not advised.

Also: The song "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes has now officially been used in two fake trailers, completely destroying whatever merit it had as a lovely piece of music.





You are officially forbidden from actually liking this song, lest you can stand the wrath of hipster scorn.

Today in Douchebaggery: Ballpark Edition

So here' s a hypothetical question for anyone foolish or lonely enough to be reading this: Say you're making a complete ass of yourself at a sporting event. You're abiding pretty closely to the strict guidelines laid out in the Code of Douchebaggery; getting very drunk, being very loud, and swearing significantly more than necessary at another person in the stands for some reason. Perhaps you picked this person because they had their 11-year-old daughter with them, perhaps you were just didn't like the way this guy looked; whatever it was, you were just being a complete cock.

Now. The man at whom you are directing your taunts asks you to stop. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!?

At this point, I imagine some multiple choice options for potential responses have popped up, Terminator style, on your HUD. Apparently, they read like this:

1. Cease "being a dick" protocol
2. Initiate volume increase
3. Initiate obscene hand gesture protocol
4. Vomit on the dude.

Now, most people would not give themselves the opportunity to have to make one of these four choices. Even the douchiest of douches would likely choose from options 1 - 3. Not Matthew Clemens.

You see, dear Matthew decided to stick his hand down his throat and forcibly vomit on his opponent. And his opponent's 11-year-old daughter.

This is a story that first caught my eye a few months ago, when it first occurred. My daily stroll through ESPN's homepage took an unexpected detour through their baseball section when I saw a headline that went something like, "Fan Vomit Assault." Instant click through. I was pleased to find the tale of young New Jerseyite Matthew Clemens.

As none of Matty's actions had previously been reported in the national media, I can only venture a guess that he was already a tremendous douche. But when he was given the spotlight, the chance to shine on the national stage of douchebaggery, he seized that moment like it was the last bottle of Jaeger at his local liquor store. This is legendary stuff. This is Douche of the Year caliber.

As a douche, it can be hard to get the attention you deserve. The Douche of the Year tends to be unfairly skewed towards people constantly in the public eye. But some everyday douches back down when given their chance. Not  ol' Matty. this put him over the top. He is now a clear frontrunner for this year's Golden Douche.

Sidebar: To the members of Matty's family who claimed, after his sentencing, that Matty was really a good person who made a bad mistake: No. You are wrong. Your statement is false. This is not something that good people do. Good people do not find themselves in this situation. And even on the off chance that a good person might make a series of poor decisions leading to this situation, a good person would not choose option four. A good person does not have an option four. Matthew Clemens is not a good person. Matthew Clemens is a utter douchebag. Have no misconceptions about this.

If anyone thinks they can beat intentionally vomiting on an 11-year-old girl, I ask that they not try. The world doesn't need any more of this.

On the other hand, we really must applaud the sheer ingenuity and originality of Matty's actions. How that thought even crossed his mind shows an absolutely unfathomable level of creative vision. So cheers to you, Matthew Clemens. You are, truly, a king of kings. Even LeBron might have trouble topping this.

We'll see you at the Golden Douche Awards Ceremony in January. (Hint: Have a speech ready.)

Chocolate

So I'm currently in the process of watching Chocolate. And I've got to say I'm pretty impressed.

Despite lacking any serious filmic craft (story structure, character development, um... plot) it has some very cool Tony Jaa-lite action. And by lite, I don't mean less graphic, or "for the young-ins," I just mean smaller scale set pieces and whatnot. Toes get cut off, asses get stabbed with rusty nails, people, pretty generally, spend the movie getting the shit beat out of them. Despite the latter being what people pay to see in a movie like this, the movie packs some pretty big emotional punches.



Now, every trick in the book is pulled out to accomplish said emotion, as the story concerns an autistic girl, Zen, and her overweight, bullied friend taking money from corrupt businesses to pay for the medical bills incurred by Zen's cancer-stricken mother. That's like the trifecta right there. Instant sympathy. And if that's not enough, Zen and her mother are also pariahs, hunted by a group of Thai transvestites because Zen was fathered by a member of the Japanese Yakuza. So, naturally, that's beefage.

But don't worry about it, because Zen can absorb fighting skills by watching Tony Jaa movies. This is supposed to be a selling point of the movie, but it isn't really that big of a deal, because I can totally do that too.

All of the above makes it hard not to care for this little girl whooping on people to save her mom. The end result: Awesome. Check it out. Especially if you crave a River Tam-esque, girls in flowering clothing kicking people fix.

And naturally, the fighting sequences feature infinitely better choreography and cinematography than any stateside action offering. The whole time I'm watching this, I'm thinking, "Oh. So they just must not care if they kill their stunt team." There are numerous times where it really looks like someone got killed. I'm talking about single shot, multiple story falls onto concrete.

Watch the outtakes. One of the aforementioned falls results in a very serious injury, and someone asks, "Should we go to the hospital?"

The answer, is no. You should go hard. Which you are doing. And the stunts look great, as a result.

Comic Gone

WORDPLAY!

But I bring up a serious issue here. At some point in the past decade, the San Diego Comic Convention, more commonly known as #comiccon, (which I always internalize as Comic Cocoon) warped into some hideous orifice that popular culture realized could be used to fuck the previously socially quarantined Land of Geekdom.

I blame the success of Marvel's bastardization initiative, through which they have increasingly churned out highly successful cinematic fecal based on the canons of their beloved characters. The financial returns on Marvel's films have done what few would have thought possible: Make comic books cool. Well, not actually cool, but make them a cool source for easy ideas. I can just see the coked-out studio execs tripping balls when they realize they don't have to hire anyone involved in preproduction.

"And, it's like, it's like, it's like.... it's a script.... but it's storyboards at the same time, bro! We don't have to do shit!"

"FUCK YES BRO. Get Shia on the phone. We can be shooting by next week!"

"TIGHT. Now let's skull-fuck this treatment of Halo in, like, 20, and then it's Jaeger bombs at the Geisha House!"

Also, that episode of Entourage where they go to Comic Con didn't help. But it was too late by that point.

Even less than ten years ago, it was something of an intriguing novelty that movies based on comics had panels at Comic Con. Now, MTV is debuting its new Teen Wolf series (the existence of which in and of itself makes me want to hurt things) at the convention.

Much of the convention is still devoted to comics, but that fact gets very little press coverage. I don't know why I'm surprised at this, but I just find it upsetting that no media outlets seem to have any desire to cover any of the convention's titular implications.

Eh. I'm ranting.

Also again

While we're on the topic of me cruising BBC News, I don't understand this.

Now, maybe there are certain intricacies to African diplomatic relations of which I am blissfully ignorant, but this seems like a pretty simple scenario. A war criminal comes into your country, a country in which there is an active warrant for said war criminal's arrest, and the rest should kind of figure itself out, right?

Yet this doesn't happen.

Consider me befuddled.

Also

Screw cricket scores. That is just obscene.

Fuck the Internet

I have, like, 12 e-mail accounts, profiles on a bunch of random websites, and AT LEAST 14 different passwords to remember. What the hell is wrong with me? Spoilers follow.

Also: If the end of Inception was indeed taking place in limbo, wouldn't Cobb just come back to his dinner table a couple of hours later, say, around dinner time, find the top still spinning and just be like, "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK."

Red Dead Redemption OR Suck it, Roger Ebert

So I'm a few months late on this one, but I just finished Red Dead Redemption yesterday, and for the most part, I was actually pretty underwhelmed. From the disconnect between the player character's motivations and actions, to the litany of worthless tasks put forth to him in the primary story, I was about ready to write the game off as good, not great.

But then I got to the ending.

The game concerns a former outlaw, the grizzled, semi-literate John Marston, who has been forced into the business of bounty hunting by some rather despicable members of what will become the F.B.I. You see, they've kidnapped his wife and son, and are holding them as collateral until Marston hunts down and kills all the members of his old gang.

This storyline does well to bring about a Heart of Darkness inspired storyline, as Marston is forced deeper and deeper into the world he tried to leave behind. Unfortunately, this storyline, which would have served a two hour film brilliantly, is very forcibly stretched to accommodate a 15 hour game.

Developers Rockstar have christened this with the magic touch they bestowed upon 2008's Grand Theft Auto IV, meaning some great dialogue, memorable characters, and absolutely meaningless story missions designed to flex the writing staff's muscles, more so than provide enjoyment for the player.

This approach does its best to ruin any sense of pacing, and the mechanics of the GTA system can mean finishing one mission, immediately starting the next, and having characters speak to Marston as if they haven't seen him in days.

Overall, though, I was never too concerned with the story (until it hits its climax and then it's oddly long yet compelling coda, that is). The real draw here is a chance to live life in the dying days of the wild west; roaming the plains, hunting both animals and treasure, helping strangers you meet along your way, gambling, horse-breaking, bank-robbing; it's all there, and it's all wonderful.

I found myself going for days at a time without touching the story missions, simply wandering about the vast wasteland, reliving moments from all my favorite westerns. All along, though, the theme of modernity's encroachment on Marston's way of life, and the way of life in the old west in general, permeates every layer of the game.

Marston is a relic of a dying world, and the way the game communicates this is utterly fascinating. When you finally do catch up to Dutch, the ruthless leader of Marston's old gang, and the Kurtz figure of the story, he delivers some truly powerful parting words that so wonderfully echo the game's themes that it is positively haunting.

Not so coincidentally, about the time you run into Dutch, the game's story gets good. Really, really good. Great, even. But just when you think the game is over, the extended, and intriguing epilogue begins, throughout the duration of which there is an unwavering sense of dread. Despite the fact that everything seems to be at peace, you know it most certainly is not. The whole time, you know some crazy shit is about to happen, yet you never know quite when, and when it finally does happen, you still aren't ready for it.

To discuss it further would be even more spoileriffic than the preceding paragraphs, so I will just say that the ending is one of the best in video games. It's shocking, heartfelt and profound. It's not to be missed.

But if you'll excuse me, I'm off to roam the plains.

Inception

Yeah, it was bound to happen. I would like to write about something more original, but the simple fact is: I cannot stop thinking about Inception.

I can't stop thinking about how great it was, I can't stop thinking about how much was wrong with it, and I can't stop thinking about how much I need to see it again. I wasn't kidding when I walked out of the theater and told my compatriots that I would turn around and buy a ticket for the next showing, had there been one.

So let's get the basics out of the way:

1. The scope of the film is absolutely incredible. Such a wholly original idea so executed flawlessly is an unbelievable achievement.

2. That executed flawlessly bit? Not hyperbole. PERFECTLY shot, edited and, despite what anyone may say to the contrary, written. Bouncing through four dimensions of reality while maintaining a judo grip on my stomach is not an easy task. The way the film recreates the jumpy, illogical nature of dreams through mid-conversation cuts to completely different locations is pretty cool. It is true that there is A LOT of exposition. But it is all quite necessary, as creating an entire universe without explaining it to the audience would probably not go over too well.

3. Zero Gravity fight scenes - fuck yes.

4. It has been a long time since a film has so thoroughly consumed an audience. Not a single person in the theater I was in could take there eyes from the screen. The film simply engulfs you, makes you a part of its world, and doesn't let you out, even when it is over. 

5. James Cameron should get pretty familiar with that 2nd place spot on the podium. Christopher Nolan has staked his claim as the king of Hollywood. (And he's actually a talented writer! Who would have guessed?)

But, as I somewhat ominously mentioned in my opening sentiments, there is a lot wrong with the film. At the risk of overusing an all-caps A LOT twice in one post, I feel it is necessary. Because there really are A LOT of problems.

That isn't entirely true, it's just that the problems are very basic plot holes and contradictions. The one that keeps gnawing at me is so simple that I am borderline frustrated that it is not addressed. 

Mild spoilers follow.

As you may or may not know, the film concerns a team of crack dream-invaders who specialize in stealing ideas from people through said people's dreams, a process known as extraction. The kicker of the film, however, is that they've have been tasked with planting an idea in someone through a dream, known as inception. 

Now, inception is supposed to be incredibly difficult, if not impossible to perform, yet I couldn't help but find myself thinking how often I have crazy ideas from even crazier dreams. Surely it wouldn't be too hard to fabricate an idea in dreamland. But this issue is handled quite well, and is not my qualm.

My problem is that this premise leads to the vast majority of the cast being asleep for a vast majority of the film. Everyone is technically "asleep" for the its entire second half. In order to commit inception, the team, along with their mark, are all heavily sedated with a special sedative designed to preserve their inner ear functionality, meaning they are still susceptible to waking up from the sensations of falling or imbalance.

This is key to their plan, as they will need to trigger a "kick" (somehow making their sleeping selves fall or get splashed with water or something) in order to wake from their shared dream. They arrange to do this by having the van they are all sleeping in (within the dream - because you know they pull some dream within a dream business) be driven off a bridge into a river. 

Now this is supposed to be what wakes them up, and it does so quite effectively, yet the fact that on the way to the bridge, the van flies off a freeway, rolls over about four times and crashes, all without stirring its occupants arises that nasty little skeptical bastard that lives in my brain. Again, this is a very basic plot hole, and it is rather frustratingly brushed aside.

Perhaps more pertinently, the actual device that allows people to share dreams is not even remotely explained. I don't think anyone even mentions it. It's just kind of there, absolutely integral to the plot, yet utterly mysterious. 

Sidenote: I don't know how many neural synapses are in your wrist, but that does not seem like it would be the most likely port for plugging yourself into a mind-melding device.

And lastly, I just wanted more. I wanted to know more about Nolan's world, more about the business of dream-sharing. I want to see what happens when someone has an off-the-wall, coocoo bananas, flying-motorcycle dream. All of the dreams in the film are loosely based in reality. I want to see a surreal dreamscape that I've seen so many times at night, but can never remember when I wake up. I want to see what happens when someone has a nightmare. I want to know more!

This sounds like ample opportunity for some fan-fiction.

See this movie. There won't be a better one for years.

Welcome to the New World Order! of this blog

The real question when rebooting this classic and well-loved, but currently listless and self-parodical, blogging franchise was, "What gimmick to place as the centerpiece?"

I mean, that one dude already makes fun of white people, which is cool, albeit a little easy. Not exactly the most dangerous game. Not even a moving target. White people are lame. We know this.

In that vein, there's already the anti-hipster blog. But again. Fish. Barrel. You figure out the rest.

It should be noted that my immense jealousy of how perfect the above two blogs are is the only reason they have elicited mild scorn from myself. That and Stuff White People Like is just way too close to home for it to be funny.

I could do food! I like food. But a food blog? Meh. Not exactly the best thing ever. My real problem... or at least one of my more major problems, is that I have too much shit I care too much about. So this blog must encompass them all. 

A daunting task, surely, but the worldview of an international jewel thief who runs a bar in Hanoi called "Flowers for Algernon" with his homie Raul, will be an invaluable contribution to the blagosphere.

Raul is a G! Communist insurrection, shmommunist shminsurrection.

Also, I henceforth vow to write every post while clad in a kimono and cowboy hat, and pray I am never photographed doing so, lest it show up on latfh.

A Thought

One thing has repeatedly crossed my mind throughout the duration of this course. It is a concept that was mentioned by Kevin Tuerff when he asked us how we, as advertisers, convince consumers to consume less?

This is quite the predicament, as ours is a profession based almost entirely on the promotion of consumption; a profession where failure and success are gauged by the level of consumption inspired by our work.

When working with a product like Belkin's surge protector, which Tuerff spoke about, the task is fairly easy, as the product's main selling point is that it consumes less energy than a standard surge protector.

When it comes to any other number of products with more finite applications, the solution is much more muddled. How do you get across the message of consuming less when advertising a product like Pepsi? Pepsi's business model is pretty reliant on people consuming as much Pepsi as humanly possible, so they wouldn't take to kindly to an ad campaign that went something like this:

"Pepsi. Just have one!"

Since promoting a reduction in consumption has been overwhelmingly shunned, brands have attempted to make people feel good about buying their products for reasons not intrinsic to the benefits of the product itself.

Pepsi Refresh Project is a perfect example, who wouldn't want to buy soda from a company that puts, like, 1/100,00,000,000,000,000,000,000th of its profits into socially responsible gestures?

The problem is that none of the proposed ideas in Pepsi's initiative do anything about the 13 empty Pepsi bottles, cans and cups that litter any given block in any given city.

Not to be left off the rapidly accelerating bandwagon, Coke chimed in with its Live Positively campaign. With ads that make claims like, "If you've had a coke in the last 80 or so years, you've been a part of the biggest beverage conveyance recycling effort ever." Good for you! Better have a few more Cokes to reward yourself.


The problem with campaigns like these is that the are intrinsically hypocritical, promoting goods responsible for an obscene amount of waste while claiming to be some shining beacon of light for social responsibility.

This ends up being the problem with the entirety of Green Brand Advertising. How can a consumer good possibly be beneficial for the environment when it was produced in an industry with an ecological footprint as deep as... as... well... as something really deep?

Sure, Clorox may be using all natural ingredients, but it's still a damn bleach company, people! Bleach was specifically created to end the lives of natural things!

Both Tuerff and Adam Webach attested to the fact that they are realists, and that they understand the world isn't going to change overnight, which is certainly some valuable perspective to have for anyone going into this business.

You have to understand that you're not going to run some magical green campaign that reaches every corner of the earth, prompts governmental and societal revolution, saves the planet, and cures every known disease. It doesn't work like that.

As fun as it may be to say in a James Earl Jones-esque voice, the fate of the world is not in the hands of advertising. We're not going to be the ones making the change, the change has to come from the top, from governments and corporations.

We're going to be the ones telling people about it.

The Green Brands Trilogy

During the later meetings of Green Brand Strategies, there was much talk of a potential series of courses involving the subject matter. A Green Brands Trilogy of sorts.While I think there is plenty of merit in this idea, I would venture to say that a significant retooling of the course outline might be necessary.

Not ragging on the course here, I'm just saying that it occasionally lacked direction, which would hamper attempts at a year-long course series. Here's my suggestion, as well as any evidence needed to prove why I should never be a teacher.

Term 1: Brand Sustainability Concepts. An in-depth analysis of what makes a brand sustainable. Maintaining a less overt focus on "Green Advertising," this class would serve as a introduction to sustainability practices, from the individual level to the corporate level. What is actually good, what is bad.

A class like this would have greatly helped my comprehension in GBS, as I was not particularly knowledgeable about sustainability practices. This class would be open to other majors as well, including business and design majors, as sustainability practices are will be necessary in these fields as well.

Biggest downside of this class? It can be abbreviated BS Concepts, and is therefor prone to mockery.

Term 2: Sustainable Brand Strategies. Essentially the same course as the current GBS, but with a more stringent adherence to advertising strategies, as all the introductory stuff would have been taken care of in the previous term.

The existence of BS Concepts would allow for this class to delve entirely into the analyzing of "Green" advertisements, and the application of the subject matter from the previous course.

Term 3: Sustainability Production. In the third term, ad majors would team with product design majors to innovate in the fields of sustainable technology and advertising.

The product design majors could work on some sort of new product, or packaging design, and the ad majors could run a campaign for the product.


So yeah. That's what I've got, and I think it could be pretty cool. especially the third term. That sounds like it would be fun to me.

Rollin' on Pippens.

So I was walking through campus the other day (as I usually do), when I was approached by a woman with a clipboard. She was quite attractive, (as women paid to approach people usually are)and proceeded to ask me how I felt about blowing up mountains for coal.

Unfortunately, it wouldn't be until seconds after our brief conversation ended that I thought to say, "Blowing up mountains? It's about damn time. Haven't you seen Dante's Peak? I say get them before they get us."

Damn that would have been sly. But I was late on the draw, (as I usually am) and our conversation ended with a lie about me having to get to class. So is the way of the world.

But of course, the issue the I was approached about is a serious one, as you can tell by the super-dramatic music in this ad:



Despite being confusingly named, The Coal River Mountain Wind Project (wait... So is it a coal project on a river, that has something to do with mountain wind?) is a battle being fought to save the Coal River Mountain from being turned into a coal mine via large explosions.

The idea is to establish windmills on the mountain to make up for the energy that would be made by turning the mountain into something more sinister:


The Annihilatrix

Hopper | MySpace Video

But I guess the annihilatrix did end up solving global warming, so never mind.


Luckily, Coal River Valley residents are getting the chance to share their views with congressional officials this week.

The proposed wind turbines would create enough power to... um... power 70,000 homes. (Yay for verbal nouns!)

Shaq in Orlando

So James Cameron was on Charlie Rose a little while back. He was there to talk about, what else, Avatar. He "addressed" a lot of the complaints about the film, including the exploitation of the noble savage archetype, the simplistic storyline, and the horrendously cliched everything.

But most importantly, right at the beginning of the interview, he makes it very clear that the environmental message of the movie (which I have written about quite a bit on this blog) was the reason he wanted to make it in the first place.

Especially interesting is that he claims that the omnipresent force of evil that any filmmaker will name drop when they want to sound victimized, "The Studio," attempted to interfere with the film, and get him to downplay its environmental message.

Apparently, such a thematic element can cost a major commercial film half of its profit. If that is the case, then I suppose you can just tack on at least another 2 billion to Avatar's gross.

At this point, Cameron surely told "The Studio" something along the lines of, "BITCH, I'M JAMES MAFUCKIN' CAMERON! I MADE TITANIC! STEP OFF!" And the film's theme stayed unabridged.

But check it out, he actually talks a lot about the inherent failings of industrialized societies, our collective denial as a civilization, and a lot of other sustainable themes. He even comes off remotely knowledgeable. But he still kinda seems like a douche.



It's a great interview, as one's conducted by Charlie Rose usually are.

31

If you are at all interested in biting satire, you're probably already a fan of Futurama. As it was a program of undeniable quality broadcast on the FOX television network, it was, naturally, cut down in its prime.

Although, given the lackluster nature of the four full-length films that would follow the show's cancellation, maybe it was for the best. Perhaps it is better to go out guns blazing, rather than die a slow, painful, excruciating death.

Death being a metaphor for decline into mediocrity. I shouldn't poke fun. A recent episode of the Simpsons was actually quite good. (This was largely thanks to a Julius and Ethel Rosenberg joke that freaking kills it.)

Where am I going with this? Nowhere, as usual.

But there's a particular episode of Futurama known as "Crimes of the Hot." A satirical condemnation of humanity's inability to achieve true sustainability even 1000 years in the future, the episode also features one of the best robot sex jokes ever.

And who can forget the best explanation of Global Warming ever:

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!

Question: If the 1974 Democratic National Committee had made it's headquarters in L'Enfant Plaza Hotel, would every pseudo-scandal be affixed with the suffix -fant?

Por ejemplo: "Oh man! Did you here about the entire football team getting arrested for embezzlement? Holy god man. Get ready for Footballfant!"

Not only does that not make any sense, (notice -fant isn't actually a suffix, but just the latter half of the word L'Enfant) it just sounds dumb. So the next time there are rat droppings at Denny's (Hot Cake-Gate) or when a 1938 Parisian ballet turns out to be an international drug smuggling ring (GaîtéGate) just call it something else.

That said, I am pained to bring you what professional journalists, scientists and ass-clowns have dubbed "ClimateGate." (That repeated banging you're hearing is my head against my wall)

Basically what happened, before the anti-grammar heathens got their grubby, anti-grammatical hands on the issue, was that a some scientists fudged a bunch of data about the climate crisis, tried to cover it up, and got caught when someone hacked into their email accounts. Long story short: The Himalayas will still be there when Will Smith is saving the earth from a robot uprising.

Uh... I couldn't find a place to put this link in the last sentence, so... SPLADOW!

So while this is pretty troubling, it is nice to know that scientists are just as dumb as the rest of us sometimes. And it sure puts OdenGate in perspective. (If you don't know, you don't want to, so I won't link to it. But you probably know.)

It just seems so easy to understand the effect that mass-scale industrialization is going to have on an ecosystem. It boggles the mind that some people are so resiliently ignoring simple logic in favor of wide-sweeping generalizations. And it's really quite unfortunate that such a key piece of supposed "scientific evidence" has been proven to be fraudulent. It just gives the naysayers more ammunition.

One last note: I can't decide if this is sad or scary.

29

What's good?

Reese's Puffs, Arvydas Sabonis, and public transportation.

The new Aliens vs Predator game is pretty great too.

But let's talk public transportation. It's great. Coming from Portland, I've been completely spoiled by the fantastic MAX light rail system and pretty decent bus system.

There are a few minor faults, but it's safe to say that Portland got it right.

Houston? Not so much.



As bad as those drivers appear to be, that is just excruciatingly poor city planning. A light rail system on the inside lanes? WHAT? Really? Okay. Cool. Whatever you say.

In a related note, Houston's bike lanes are serpentine, and weave in and out of lanes of oncoming traffic.

28

wha... um... so yeah. Not gonna lie on this one. Totally expected to be able to write this during the Blazers game. You see, as we're playing Utah, and I was preparing to get rolled.

But it looks like Los Blazers are channeling a little magic from the legendary Double Uno, and have actually showed up to play. This will make my concentration on the blog wane.

I'm going to give it a shot anyway. So I was recently doing some thinking about sustainability and... oh nice, guy in a Wu-Tang shirt in the front row! WU WU WU!

Aw, damn. There I go again. Back on track.

A lot of the criticism directed at greenwashers focuses on the insincerity inherent to the messages that these organizations proliferate. God that Charles Barkely Taco Bell commercial is fucking awful. That has to be the worst commercial I've seen in a long time. It's eye-stabbingly bad.

On the other hand, Miller Lite's new commercial is hilarious. Spoofing dating site commercials has never been done so expertly. It almost, ALMOST, makes up for the atrociously bad other ad in the campaign. You know the one I mean? The one where the girl decides to tell the guy she loves him at a bar right after he said something about monkeys? Stupid.

And I've got to give a shout out to the Kia Sorento Super Bowl Ad.



Big ups to The Heavy! They're about to blow up.

Well now I've got to figure out I was talking about before all that.

Criticism of greenwashers. Right. So like I was saying, there's a lot of talk about the insincerity of green messages; people question (rightfully so) whether or not generalizations are made about business practices; if certain policies are highlighted while others may be brushed under the rug of ambiguity.

Ultimately, what the criticism comes down to is a plea for transparency among greenwashers. People just want to see honesty in advertisers BATUM WITH THE BLOCK!!! OOO WEE!

I warned you.

Transparency in advertising is kind of like...

Oh dammit. I hand something for this.

Well, they're like two things that that don't go together well.

I do think that requiring a high level of transparency being imposed on advertisers would naturally make those companies improve the social and environmental responsibilities. Imagine if every company in U.S. had to post their energy expenditures, pollution levels and waste volumes on a monthly basis, along with a whole handful of other easily digestible statistics.

MMMMM... Statistics. Everybody loves them.

In all seriousness though, that level of openness about business and industrial practices would force companies to, for lack of a better word, behave. No one is going to feel too good about buying from a company that pollutes their favorite river with 200 gallons of diabolically deadly neuro-toxious-pain-induction-serum every month. Get your goggles.




Who knows, people might even be prompted to some sort of socially beneficial action.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

30-3

I think the most interesting thing I took away from Adam Werbach's talk was that he seemed adamant that greenwashing was on the way out.

While I respect his opinion, I've got to say that I think this is more than a little naive. I would guess that we have a bit more time until brands stop greenwashing. Increasing consumer awareness does not instantly equate to corporate transparency, as he seemed to feel was the case. I would posit that this intellectual upsurge among the masses will be simply be met with an intellectual upsurge in greenwashing tactics.

Werbach is totally right about the days of slapping a green leaf on your labels makes you "green" in the consumers' eyes. Those days are gone, because the consumer has definitely gotten much more wary of environmentally friendly* messages.

*"Humans are a part of the environment. And it's friendly as hell to us! BOOSH!"

But just because brands can't get away with the ol' leafy green label business any more, doesn't mean they're going to stop looking for ways to skirt actually changing.

Stuff like the Chevron ad discussed in class will become the norm. Where brands encourage employees to bike to work and shit, then put out an ad talking about "human power." So it's like,

"Aww... That's nice. They bike to work, eat local, put solar panels up, and adopt, like, NINE puppies A DAY! They're so socially conscious. I'm going to use Xe for all my PMC needs!

Wait a minute... They kill people for money."

But that is just my overbearingly pessimistic view of things. Maybe (I'd certainly hope) Werbach is right. Lord knows he probably gets the benefit of the doubt, because of, like, the years of experience, the book under his belt, not to mention the whole "actually being a part of the industry" thing.

But I could've done that stuff. But, it's like, SOMEBODY has to make sure video games get played.

26

Escape from IDEO on Vimeo.

This video is featured on Ideo's homepage, so I just thought I would talk a little about it.

More like RANT a little bit about it! HAHAHAHAHA!

Oh, how I love my rants.

I think this presents a very interesting solution to a potential energy shortage in a world without fossil fuels. I find it odd though, that the creators of this little ditty of a motion comic choose to forgo the obvious solution to this problem:

Hamsters running on wheels.

I mean, it's like, "Duh!" Those little bastards can book! Mad energy be created, yo.

All joking aside, this is a pretty fascinating take on a human-centered, electric-powered future. The only question I have is whether or not people would actually be willing to do that.

We, as a society, seem to have developed a severe case of monumental laziness, coupled with a generation of crippling apathy, and I wonder if people would have the drive to power their computer by foot pump.

But I certainly like the idea of charging batteries by attaching them to generators on play structures and bikes. That's pretty cool. It's nice to think that, in future generations, see-saws may be seen as a beneficial element of society, rather than implements of death and pain.

Quarter

Of all the issues plaguing true sustainability models, the problem of getting consumers to consume less shines brighter than all the rest. Spelunkers spelunk, ballers ball and consumers consume. It's just kind of the way it goes.

We operate inside a worldview that allows for the grandiose to thrive and the minuscule to perish. Bigger is better. Size does matter. Less is most certainly not more. This cultural mandate has been inculcated to our psyche since birth.

So how do you, the sustainable brand, reverse this thinking? How do you get people to think the exact opposite of what they have been told to think ever since their collective eyes first bore witness to this world?

Um... You don't. It's too late. The only option left is not giving them a choice.

Take the video game industry, for example. Time was, when a fella wanted to pick up a game for his personal computer, he would have to lug his ass down to his local retailer, pick up a ridiculously sized cardboard box, which contained any number of CDs, bring it back to his house, and install the discs on his computer one at a time.

Then, manufacturers wised up. Turns out you didn't need a box eight times the size of a CD case. Packages got smaller, and around the same time, the advent of DVDs eliminated the need for a game to have five install discs, all those gigabytes of gamey-goodness could fit on a single DVD!

But you still had to go to the damn store! I know. Shit was a pain in the ass. Luckily, the internet age came to be around this time, and Amazon.com maed retailers all but obsolete. But what about all that messy packaging? And now it came wrapped in an extra layer of shipping nonsense?

Dammit, I can't go tiring my fingers out opening shit up! I need them for precious gaming!

Don't worry, sweet gamer. The internet one-upped itself yet again. Why order a game through the internet, only to have to wait for delivery, and then, on top of that, STILL have to open a package? I call bullshit. There has to be a lazier way to get video games.

Once hardware manufacturers decided that hard drives didn't have to be, like, four gigs, a flourish of massive hard drives made downloading entire games directly to one's computer a reality. THANK GOD!

With the release of Half-Life 2, preeminent video game developer Valve not only revolutionized video games (Half-Life 2 = Best game ever - I'll fight you if you disagree), but the way people get them. They launched their digital distribution network, Steam, allowing people to download any of Valve's games.

Other developers caught on quickly. Valve's Steam now acts as a digital distributor for nearly every major video game released on PC. With bonuses like lower prices (publishers don't have to pay manufacturing costs), and instant access to games (pre-downloads allow users to download a game before it is released and activate it on the official release day), Steam has made video game retailers a thing of the past.

While criminal organizations like Gamestop will still be able to profit for a few more years by selling used games, the fact that all major video game consoles are now following Steam's lead and having digital distribution as a viable alternative to retail discs means Gamestop's days are numbered.

Which actually makes me quite happy. I loathe Gamestop and it's company wide mandate of flooding every retail outlet with a gaseous grease. Seriously. Step inside ANY Gamestop. It's disgusting.

Video game retailers continue to close down left and right, and video rental stores like Blockbuster are not far behind.

Oh, and a quick hint to movie studios: Including a "digital copy" of a movie in a DVD package may be the most horrifically bad marketing strategy ever devised. Just bite the bullet and open a Steam-like distribution network.

The age of digital distribution is upon us, so just sit back and wait for a couple of T-800s to come get you.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR....


So, in a roundabout way, the video game industry has convinced its consumers to consume less. The film industry could choose to ignore its historical opposition to even the slightest modicum of change and follow suit, saving a whole hell of a lot of packaging (as well as actual discs) from being:

1. Created
2. Lightly used
3. Forced into obsolescence
4. Discarded

While this can't work for any product, (There's no way to digitally distribute alcohol - yet) it is a viable option for any entertainment medium, be it book, magazine, movie or game. And similar steps can be taken by other products; encasing electronics in carbonite is not a necessary packaging step.

Triple Ocho

National Geographic's The Green Guide is a perplexing thing.

The homepage still sports a "green gift guide" for the holidays, and the most recent highlighted stories appear to indicate semiannual updating. On top of that, most of the site's cautionary material falls nicely into the category of: "No shit."

Obviously carbon offsets are a scam. This seems like pretty basic knowledge. But the site does get propers for equating them to modern day indulgences. Remember when the Catholic Church did that? Ah. Those were the days.

It was one of those things where I'm reading the article where they quote some gentleman of science as he points out the carbon offset-indulgence dynamic, and I get quite infuriated that it was not I who came up with the analogy. I mean, what is 13 years of Catholic education worth if I can't make a simple correlation between carbon offsets and the systematic fleecing of 16th century Catholics?

Nothing. That's what.

Long story short: Good analogy, Mr. Roger Pielke Jr.

So what prevents The Green Guide from being fed into the the maw of the ever-feasting hound known as thought-leader scorn?

Sheer effort. Like the kid sitting in the front of class every day, taking exhaustive notes and feverishly committing every lecture to memory that is still going to fail because math just isn't his thing, The Green Guide tries so damn hard.

It has buying guides for every product and service imaginable (because I know you're wondering, right now, whether or not your mattress could be greener), green traveling tips, and a whole slew of FAQs, which actually contain a a rather unexpected quantum of useful factoids.

Some more useful than others.

"How does harvesting rainwater work?"

-By harnessing the power of gravity and the natural phenomenon known as the impermeability of parabolic hemispherically shaped objects (commonly referred to as "bowls"), one is able to effectively "trap" water in a single location where it may be used for various means.

Illuminating!

In all seriousness though, The Green Guide is a fairly useful tool, but the thrust of its aim should be primarily focused on those uninitiated with the wondrous world of green brands.

It also gets a pass because it's put out by National Geographic, an organization with something of a stake in the state of the natural world.

Let's just say that National Ergonomic doesn't sound like an interesting magazine.

Jordan!

After that Russian novel of a review of The Hurt Locker (bottom line: it was really, really bad) I figure I have all my negativity demons exorcised, and can now focus on something less worthy, but not completely spared, of my wrath.

Let's talk LEED certification! Specifically of the Rose Garden.

So if you follow my blog religiously (and who doesn't, really? It's kind of the thing to do.) You saw a post about the Rose Garden being LEED certified. Pretty cool stuff, as it was the first major sports arena to have that honor.

The release from the Trail Blazers (the arena's primary team), is chock full of token "check our green-steez" flexing and what not. But it does detail some of the practices that helped it garner the certification.

The Rose Garden has a sorting program that ensures that 60% of waste is recycled, which, combined with "extensive" recycling stations for attendees, prevents 800 tons of waste from going into landfills each year.

You've got to love a word like extensive. So vague. So versatile.

The arena also purchases energy from 100% renewable sources, courtesy of Pacific Power and NW Natural, as well as only serving locally made food. Which might explain why a hot dog is seventeen dollars.

Perhaps the biggest reason behind the LEED certification is the transportation programs enacted by the Rose Garden. Situated next to a light rail stop, 30% of attendees use public transportation or bikes to reach the arena. I can personally vouch for that, as elbow room is not plentiful on MAX rides to Blazers games, and the bike racks outside the arena truly are extensive. The Trail Blazers also subsidize transit passes for all staff.

No word on players being encouraged to carpool in their comically oversized SUVs.