So here' s a hypothetical question for anyone foolish or lonely enough to be reading this: Say you're making a complete ass of yourself at a sporting event. You're abiding pretty closely to the strict guidelines laid out in the Code of Douchebaggery; getting very drunk, being very loud, and swearing significantly more than necessary at another person in the stands for some reason. Perhaps you picked this person because they had their 11-year-old daughter with them, perhaps you were just didn't like the way this guy looked; whatever it was, you were just being a complete cock.
Now. The man at whom you are directing your taunts asks you to stop. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?!?!?
At this point, I imagine some multiple choice options for potential responses have popped up, Terminator style, on your HUD. Apparently, they read like this:
1. Cease "being a dick" protocol
2. Initiate volume increase
3. Initiate obscene hand gesture protocol
4. Vomit on the dude.
Now, most people would not give themselves the opportunity to have to make one of these four choices. Even the douchiest of douches would likely choose from options 1 - 3. Not Matthew Clemens.
You see, dear Matthew decided to stick his hand down his throat and forcibly vomit on his opponent. And his opponent's 11-year-old daughter.
This is a story that first caught my eye a few months ago, when it first occurred. My daily stroll through ESPN's homepage took an unexpected detour through their baseball section when I saw a headline that went something like, "Fan Vomit Assault." Instant click through. I was pleased to find the tale of young New Jerseyite Matthew Clemens.
As none of Matty's actions had previously been reported in the national media, I can only venture a guess that he was already a tremendous douche. But when he was given the spotlight, the chance to shine on the national stage of douchebaggery, he seized that moment like it was the last bottle of Jaeger at his local liquor store. This is legendary stuff. This is Douche of the Year caliber.
As a douche, it can be hard to get the attention you deserve. The Douche of the Year tends to be unfairly skewed towards people constantly in the public eye. But some everyday douches back down when given their chance. Not ol' Matty. this put him over the top. He is now a clear frontrunner for this year's Golden Douche.
Sidebar: To the members of Matty's family who claimed, after his sentencing, that Matty was really a good person who made a bad mistake: No. You are wrong. Your statement is false. This is not something that good people do. Good people do not find themselves in this situation. And even on the off chance that a good person might make a series of poor decisions leading to this situation, a good person would not choose option four. A good person does not have an option four. Matthew Clemens is not a good person. Matthew Clemens is a utter douchebag. Have no misconceptions about this.
If anyone thinks they can beat intentionally vomiting on an 11-year-old girl, I ask that they not try. The world doesn't need any more of this.
On the other hand, we really must applaud the sheer ingenuity and originality of Matty's actions. How that thought even crossed his mind shows an absolutely unfathomable level of creative vision. So cheers to you, Matthew Clemens. You are, truly, a king of kings. Even LeBron might have trouble topping this.
We'll see you at the Golden Douche Awards Ceremony in January. (Hint: Have a speech ready.)
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