Dear Mr. Roy,
Regarding your choice of rap video cameos and unfortunately awkward facial expressions made therein:
What the hell?
I mean, is this a serious thing? Is this actually happening? Or is this some torrid alternate reality in which professional athletes make terrible, highly public decisions?
Actually, disregard that last part. That was a pretty dumb question.
Needless to say, the more puritanical elements of our society will doubtlessly find fault with your involvement in a rap video which contains the preparation and use of marijuana. However, I find very little fault with this, as athletes listening to and supporting drug-themed rap is not exactly anything new.
Let us not forget that LeBron James appeared in Jay-Z's Death of Autotune video, and that Jay-Z himself has been more than open about his profiteering from the sale of illicit drugs (from which he claims to have derived his business knowledge that allowed him to find success in more legal ventures). He details these facts in pretty much every song he has ever recorded.
That said, I think we can both agree that Cali and Cavalli are basically on the same level as Jay-Z. Not much disparity there. Nope. OH WAIT.
And this is the source of my qualm. Why must you openly damage your own credibility, along with that of your home and adopted cities, by associating yourself (and by proxy the cities which you represent) with such mediocrity?
Assuming you were simply helping out some homies by adding some NBA All Star mojo to their video, why must you make such a profoundly lame cameo? After that wondrous display of mean-mugging, I genuinely feel like I could beat you up. I'm not even kidding. It's time to throw down.
Seriously. How did you make it to be a professional athlete when you're only mean-mugging at a seventh grade level?
Luckily, the City of Portland is so jaded to Blazer-related embarrassments that this barely makes it onto Bonzi Wells Scale of Publicized Tomfoolery. This is only like, two or three Bonzis. However, that fact is still not enough to overcome what may be the biggest knock against you since that one time you... did that one thing.
I guess appearing on the cover of NBA 10 The Inside was pretty weak.
Sincerely,
Anonymous blogger
And lest anyone forget:
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Nexagon
Of all the fascinating medical breakthroughs in the past few years, the announcement of Nexagon has got to be one of the cooler ones. It is the kind of thing one might expect in the future. Except that we have it now.
As with most crazy science fiction technology that we develop earlier than expected, the proper response is cautious optimism with minor bone-chilling apprehension.
Nexagon is a gel that can actually decrease the amount of time it takes for a wound to heal. Unlike antibiotic creams like Neosporin, which work to aid the body's natural healing by preventing infection, Nexagon will actually speed the body's healing processes by doing some crazy shit that sounds really science-fictiony.
No word yet on whether it would allow for the successful implantation of retractable adamantium claws.
 |
| "The future? Can I get a FUCK YEEEEEEEAAH!" c/o collider.com |
That super science fictiony shit? Well it goes a little something like this: The gel actually alters how cells communicate with each other, (kinda freaky) causing them to halt production of a protein that slows or blocks healing (super freaky).
The idea of something as easily applicable as a gel being able to alter the function of your skin cells is a little unnerving. Nexagon seems like the kind of thing that we're really going to want to try to keep out of the hands of super villains.
Imagine tweaking the formula so that instead of ceasing production of a certain protein, the gel causes cells to mutate uncontrollably. Then imagine that gel being sprayed all over a major metropolitan area, preferably from some kind of super-evil, neo-steampunk airship. That's super villain business right there.
Nexagon even sounds like a super villain weapon. I hope it's not already in the possession of any super villains!
Not to worry. It's in the hands of friendly, loving, and altruistic pharmaceutical corporations.
Oh wait.
Shit.
On the other hand....
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Bioshock Infinite, or How I Learn to Stop Worrying and Love Pre-Rendered Cut Scenes, then Came to My Senses and Started Hating Them Again.
First of all, watch this:
Repeat if necessary.
Now, as you've undoubtedly put together, this is the debut trailer for Irrational Games' Bioshock Infinite.
And it is quite the trailer at that.
It starts out by turning the whole "dramatically revealing an underwater city with a sweeping shot over a submerged hill" thing that the Bioshock made famous on its head. After doing that, it proceeds to turn several more things on their heads, while also shaking them up and sending them for a loop.
UPDATE: We also have reports that a script may have been flipped at some point during the trailer. We are looking to substantiate this.
The trailer is crazy. That is the point I'm trying to get across here.
Unfortunately, it is only a trailer. Thus begets my qualm. Forewarning: Qualming is about to commence. There will be much qualming in the following paragraphs.
The pre-rendered trailer (or cutscene) has long been a staple of video games. It harkens back to a time when games did not have the graphical capacity to properly convey the drama or emotion that the gameplay was meant to induce, and developers were forced to turn to either filmed scenes (FMV FTW!!!) or computer-generated scenes to advance a game's story.
FMV, or full motion video, fell out of favor, mostly because it is an expensive and time intensive process (but also because it was officially decreed to be "lame as fuck" in late 1997) and CG cutscenes became the way to go.
Unfortunately, there was such a disparity of visual quality between the gameplay and the cutscenes that the effect of the game pausing to show the player a crisp, CG cutscene was a jarring one. It was for this reason alone that I have never been fond of them.
Luckily, games have advanced so far graphically that they are now capable of rendering (skidoosh) the pre-rendered cutscene (or trailer!) obsolete, as gameplay can now convey the proper dramatic effect that a story requires.
Unfortunately, almost every game developer still uses pre-rendered trailers. (Boo ya, three paragraphs in a row started with adverbs.)
Enter Bioshock. Easily one of my favorite games of all time, Bioshock was a worldview-denting tour of an underwater city overrun by mutants and Ayn Rand aficionados. But its release was preceded by an incredible pre-rendered trailer that contained such awesome things as the player character being impaled by a massive drill, and... oh hell. Just watch it for yourself:
Sweet, right? Exactly. The problem lies in the fact that the actual gameplay of Bioshock was nothing like what was shown in the trailer. I take particular exception to Bioshock's (and now Bioshock Infinite's) trailer, as it depicts the same first person perspective as seen in the game. Just with much cooler stuff happening.
In both trailers above, all sorts of crazy action unfolds; from falling off a sky fortress and climbing for your life to unsuccessfully fighting a dive suit-clad behemoth. In the actual game, you circle strafe and shoot things.
So while the graphical gap between gameplay and trailer may have been significantly lessened, the unfulfilled promises made by the onscreen action in trailers are now that much more apparent.
I am sure that at some point during playing Bioshock Infinite I will cause my character to fall to their death, as I tend to do whenever a game supplies me with suspended platforms, but I doubt very much that I will be able to desperately claw at a strip of canvas, in a futile attempt at preventing me from a very splattery death.
I will circle strafe the shit out of some Ayn Rand fans though.
Repeat if necessary.
Now, as you've undoubtedly put together, this is the debut trailer for Irrational Games' Bioshock Infinite.
And it is quite the trailer at that.
It starts out by turning the whole "dramatically revealing an underwater city with a sweeping shot over a submerged hill" thing that the Bioshock made famous on its head. After doing that, it proceeds to turn several more things on their heads, while also shaking them up and sending them for a loop.
UPDATE: We also have reports that a script may have been flipped at some point during the trailer. We are looking to substantiate this.
The trailer is crazy. That is the point I'm trying to get across here.
Unfortunately, it is only a trailer. Thus begets my qualm. Forewarning: Qualming is about to commence. There will be much qualming in the following paragraphs.
The pre-rendered trailer (or cutscene) has long been a staple of video games. It harkens back to a time when games did not have the graphical capacity to properly convey the drama or emotion that the gameplay was meant to induce, and developers were forced to turn to either filmed scenes (FMV FTW!!!) or computer-generated scenes to advance a game's story.
FMV, or full motion video, fell out of favor, mostly because it is an expensive and time intensive process (but also because it was officially decreed to be "lame as fuck" in late 1997) and CG cutscenes became the way to go.
Unfortunately, there was such a disparity of visual quality between the gameplay and the cutscenes that the effect of the game pausing to show the player a crisp, CG cutscene was a jarring one. It was for this reason alone that I have never been fond of them.
Luckily, games have advanced so far graphically that they are now capable of rendering (skidoosh) the pre-rendered cutscene (or trailer!) obsolete, as gameplay can now convey the proper dramatic effect that a story requires.
Unfortunately, almost every game developer still uses pre-rendered trailers. (Boo ya, three paragraphs in a row started with adverbs.)
Enter Bioshock. Easily one of my favorite games of all time, Bioshock was a worldview-denting tour of an underwater city overrun by mutants and Ayn Rand aficionados. But its release was preceded by an incredible pre-rendered trailer that contained such awesome things as the player character being impaled by a massive drill, and... oh hell. Just watch it for yourself:
Sweet, right? Exactly. The problem lies in the fact that the actual gameplay of Bioshock was nothing like what was shown in the trailer. I take particular exception to Bioshock's (and now Bioshock Infinite's) trailer, as it depicts the same first person perspective as seen in the game. Just with much cooler stuff happening.
In both trailers above, all sorts of crazy action unfolds; from falling off a sky fortress and climbing for your life to unsuccessfully fighting a dive suit-clad behemoth. In the actual game, you circle strafe and shoot things.
So while the graphical gap between gameplay and trailer may have been significantly lessened, the unfulfilled promises made by the onscreen action in trailers are now that much more apparent.
I am sure that at some point during playing Bioshock Infinite I will cause my character to fall to their death, as I tend to do whenever a game supplies me with suspended platforms, but I doubt very much that I will be able to desperately claw at a strip of canvas, in a futile attempt at preventing me from a very splattery death.
I will circle strafe the shit out of some Ayn Rand fans though.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Surreal Experiences
You know what's cool?
Not being able to think of anything to write about.
It's almost as cool as writing yourself into a corner.
I have experienced both in each of the writing endeavors I am currently undertaking.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
That was Entirely Unintentional.
Aaaaand... I'm back. My absence had little to do with shark week. Although that was a part of it. I'm currently on a movie watching TEAR at the moment. This is mostly due to my Inception making me fall in love with movies all over again, but also because The Expendables is coming out, giving me an excuse to watch nothing but terrible action movies for two weeks under the guise of a "countdown."
Here's how it's gone so far:
1. Fist of Legend. Jet Li snaps a dude's leg in half five minutes in. It gets better from there.
2. The Protector. Tony Jaa's follow up to Ong-Bak. Honestly, it was not quite as good as I remember it being. The one-shot fight scene up four floors is still impressive as all hell, but I can't help but feel that Tony Jaa's style is too fanciful. It's flair for the sake of flair, and lacks the ruthless precision and efficiency exhibited by Jet Li in Fist of Legend.
Still. HE KICKS A GUY OUT OF A HELICOPTER. That can't be overstated. See this movie.
3. Surrogates. Remember that Bruce Willis sci-fi actioner that came out last summer? Neither does anybody else.
The concept is interesting enough; in the future, everyone lives their lives through robotic avatars, a technology developed by the same guy who invented robots in I, Robot.
Cool, right? I love the part where he jumps onto the table and shoots the guy behind him. Also, the part where he judo flips the dude off the balcony onto the table. Also, the part where he flies across half the room and kicks the guy. Also, ... well yeah. Watch it.
5. Die Hard 2: Die Harder. One of the more eloquently named films in the past quarter-century, Die Harder (German for "The Harder") gets kind of a bad rap. The first Die Hard is considered one of the greatest action movies ever made, the third one has Sam Jackson in it (AND he's named Zeus. That's a big money combination right there) and the fourth one, well the fourth one is the one where John McClane fights a plane. On foot.
But no one ever talks about the second one. It's got so much great stuff going for it! Dennis Franz as Dennis Franz, that part where the villains have two different types of ammo clips (blue for blanks, red for dead - just thought of that one, no autographs please), and slingblade as the janitor! It's awesome!
So awesome they couldn't show the genuine article on the tele!
6. Hard Boiled. Nothing more need be said. This is the greatest action movie of all time. The action is stunningly elegant while fist-pumpingly visceral. The dialogue and drama are of the finest variety cheese. I just showed this movie to two friends who had never seen it. They whooped and cheered throughout. Fist pumping happened. See Hard Boiled. Nowzorz.
I want this trailer narration on a loop in my head at all times.
Here's how it's gone so far:
1. Fist of Legend. Jet Li snaps a dude's leg in half five minutes in. It gets better from there.
2. The Protector. Tony Jaa's follow up to Ong-Bak. Honestly, it was not quite as good as I remember it being. The one-shot fight scene up four floors is still impressive as all hell, but I can't help but feel that Tony Jaa's style is too fanciful. It's flair for the sake of flair, and lacks the ruthless precision and efficiency exhibited by Jet Li in Fist of Legend.
Still. HE KICKS A GUY OUT OF A HELICOPTER. That can't be overstated. See this movie.
3. Surrogates. Remember that Bruce Willis sci-fi actioner that came out last summer? Neither does anybody else.
The concept is interesting enough; in the future, everyone lives their lives through robotic avatars, a technology developed by the same guy who invented robots in I, Robot.
Hehe. Creepy. But seriously, holla at James Cromwell. Dude's a boss.
Unfortunately, the movie isn't that great. And by "not that great" I mean pretty bad. There're a lot of cool touches; I really like how artificial all the surrogates' skin looks, and Bruce Willis with hair is always a trip. It's almost worth watching the movie for.
4. District B 13. I had completely forgotten how awesome this movie was. Despite it's RIDICULOUS premise (some hoods in a warded off district of Paris accidentally come across a nuke and decide to use it) it has some incredible action sequences, and is pretty competently made. Pierre Morel is no slouch. (See: Taken)
As it was produced and co-written by Luc Besson, it contains many of his signature touches: a plot designed for maximum action, scenes of underworld life, and, most pressingly, a prepubescent-looking female lead who is actually in her mid twenties.
But before we go into full-on Luc Besson roast mode, let's concentrate on what works here: The action.
The film was lauded for it's highlighting of parkour, but it actually doesn't contain as much parkour as you might expect from a film lauded for its highlighting of parkour. However, the shootout/fight scene in the casino is mesmerizing. I watched it several times. Now you too! You watch! You watch!
Cool, right? I love the part where he jumps onto the table and shoots the guy behind him. Also, the part where he judo flips the dude off the balcony onto the table. Also, the part where he flies across half the room and kicks the guy. Also, ... well yeah. Watch it.
5. Die Hard 2: Die Harder. One of the more eloquently named films in the past quarter-century, Die Harder (German for "The Harder") gets kind of a bad rap. The first Die Hard is considered one of the greatest action movies ever made, the third one has Sam Jackson in it (AND he's named Zeus. That's a big money combination right there) and the fourth one, well the fourth one is the one where John McClane fights a plane. On foot.
But no one ever talks about the second one. It's got so much great stuff going for it! Dennis Franz as Dennis Franz, that part where the villains have two different types of ammo clips (blue for blanks, red for dead - just thought of that one, no autographs please), and slingblade as the janitor! It's awesome!
So awesome they couldn't show the genuine article on the tele!
6. Hard Boiled. Nothing more need be said. This is the greatest action movie of all time. The action is stunningly elegant while fist-pumpingly visceral. The dialogue and drama are of the finest variety cheese. I just showed this movie to two friends who had never seen it. They whooped and cheered throughout. Fist pumping happened. See Hard Boiled. Nowzorz.
I want this trailer narration on a loop in my head at all times.
Monday, August 2, 2010
I Won't Be Around for a While
Lady and gentleman, it is Shark Week. Contact with the outside world is not advised.
Also: The song "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes has now officially been used in two fake trailers, completely destroying whatever merit it had as a lovely piece of music.
You are officially forbidden from actually liking this song, lest you can stand the wrath of hipster scorn.
Also: The song "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes has now officially been used in two fake trailers, completely destroying whatever merit it had as a lovely piece of music.
You are officially forbidden from actually liking this song, lest you can stand the wrath of hipster scorn.
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